CHB Mail - 2021-10-14


A fashion parade of Halloween horrors


The spooky season is upon us. Halloween (at least for those in lower levels of restrictions, and of course pre-Covid) seems to be getting bigger and bigger. Growing up in Turangi, I think we would have been hard-pressed to find a single store with a costume, let alone a pumpkin-shaped lolly receptacle or supersized outdoor-friendly web with bonus spider. But as time marches on, the things that scare me become less about spooks and ghouls and more about the truly frightening things in life. Which is why I propose these costumes for the kids to wear trick or treating that would strike fear into even the hardiest of adults. First up, the “Ashley Bloomfield homeschooling will continue for another month” costume. Enough to bring a parent to tears, the thought of struggling through yet another class website login and scheduling in the class Zoom call, which you’ll probably remember half an hour late, the homeschool Ashley is a truly terrifying Halloween human. Or perhaps the “Cafes and food outlets will remain closed” Jacinda. Feel the horror as you realise you have another month or two of remembering to defrost the mince because there’s no back-up. Lunch after lunch, dinner after dinner, day after day, You. Have. To. Cook. And another of this year’s hottest options: the “I can’t get my Zoom call going, Kevin”. Feel the frustration as Kevin asks repeatedly if you can hear him while you quite clearly can, and follows it up with “I can’t hear you, is your microphone on?” repeatedly, while you yell back “You’ve got us all on mute, Kev,” trying fruitlessly to express through random hand gestures that he needs to click just one button to be back in action. And who could forget the most frightful of them all, “the falsified document Auckland border crosser”. Scary enough to bring entire regions to their knees, this disconcerting delinquent could bring every other option on the list to any unsuspecting level two region with ease, with just a single sneeze it could be homeschool, home dinner, Zoom call time from Halloween on. Let’s hope the spooking stays in October, and we can tuck our new outfits away by Christmas.


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